If you’ve been a long term follower of mine on social media then you probably remember me having this blog before. I’ve been thinking about bringing it back for a while but I saw today that my domain name was back up for sale and was no longer some weird anime porn spam site so I decided to take the leap and start blogging again. Back in it’s hey day, Tea Chez Bee was full of content and was beautifully designed, but today we are starting from scratch. Hopefully it will come back even better and bigger than before. I don’t know if anyone even still reads blogs but ah well. I’ve made a tiktok account for it so that’s all that matters.
You might be wondering why I left in the first place? Well to cut a long story short, I was in a bad place, full of bad memories and the blog felt like a massive emotional baggage I was carrying around with me for everyone to see. I didn’t like that the last five years of my life were available on the internet for anyone to scrutinise and I felt like I had grown a lot since my first posts and it didn’t reflect who I was as a person any more. It was also costing me money I didn’t have every month just to keep it running and that felt like a waste when I had a baby on the way.
Was it a rash and ultimately bad decision and did I regret it almost immediately? Yeah, basically. Like Kevin leaving Strictly. Was it theraputic at the time? Yeah, I guess. All that matters really is that I’m back now. I’m not expecting anyone to actually read my posts, but I just always have these ideas for blog posts in my head and it will be nice to see them become an actual thing instead of just something I write in my head in the shower.
Anyway, what have I been doing the past two years? Well quite a lot, and also not much.
I left my job working at Starbucks, a job which I loved with my whole heart but ultimately wasn’t the right place to be anymore. I was living in Bath with my boyfriend. We had moved in together after six months of knowing each other and were already talking about getting married and starting a family. Looking back that seems insane but at the time it seemed totally right, and it was. I guess when you know, you just know.
We didn’t know how long it would take to get pregnant so we decided to start trying to get a head start on things. I’ll tell you how long it took. Two whole weeks. I’m forever eternily grateful that this happened so easily for us and I will never take that for granted, but it was a surprise. I had just been offered a job at another coffee shop in town and had to call the night before my first day to tell them I couldn’t come in because I was throwing up. I ended up having severe morning sickness for the first 26 weeks of my pregnancy, as well as a number of physical and mental health scares and complications. I haven’t had a job since, apart from being a stay at home mum, which is of course a full time job in itself.
My pregnancy was honestly horrendous and the most difficult and debilitating thing I’ve ever done. Of course the only thing that really matters is that my son is happy and healthy, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still left with the trauma of the hardest eight months of my life.
After the birth though, things completely turned around for me. Physically I felt like a new person. I felt completely healthy again and didn’t have to spend any time physically recovering. It was as though my body was just desperate to get the baby out and breathed a sigh of relief when he was safely delivered. Mentally I completely changed too. It took about a week of being on medication to help with my anxiety and sleep but I came off it quickly and the next 9 months were amazing. My boyfriend had loads of paternity leave because his work are amazing, as well as some annual leave saved up. He went back to work for a while until an injury to his knee meant he was out of work for around five months. It was all too easy, none of the loneliness and bitter hard work of being a first time stay at home parent, because I had my best friend by my side every hour of the day.
Then a few things happened at once. The January blues coincided with my boyfriend going back to work full time, with unpredicatble hours any time of the day and night. We were moving house out of the city to a more rural area and it was a stressful experience. Covid reared it’s ugly head. I got engaged, which is definitely not a bad thing, but still a massive life change none the less on top of everything else. My anxiety was high and insomnia, which I have struggled on and off with through my adult life, was out in full force. I really, truly, naively thought I had escaped post partum depression. I had read that it usually develops in the first year after birth. I was over nine months in and it hadn’t hit yet and I thought I was out of the woods. Hahahaha. Joey is two now and post partum depression is still well and truly lingering over my shoulder constantly.
It’s now been about a year and a half of not sleeping, soul crushing anxiety, extremely low mood, dark thoughts and hitting rock bottom when I thought I was already there. As Rachel says in Friends, I’ve felt like there was rock bottom, then fifty feet of crap, then me. My partner has had to take time off work and work from home to be the main caregiver to Joey while I fight my internal battles. I have left the house about a dozen times in the last year and a half, which only makes me feel worse in general. Joey’s grandparents have done way more than their fair share to make sure that I have had an easy ride of whatever is going on with me. I went on anti-depressants for over six months, which ultimately did nothing.
So now here I am, taking every day as it comes, off medication, finally feeling like I might be starting to heal, even though most days that feels like an impossible, distant dream. My son is my whole world, and while I love him with my whole heart I feel like I also need to do something for myself and have a creative outlet so I can start to feel more like my own human being again.
Anyway, that’s me in a nutshell. The best two years of my life and the worst two years of my life all at once. We have just over three months left of 2021 (yaaaaaaasss autumn and winter) and I’m hoping to start 2022 off in a much better place.