I’m feeling 22

It is a testament to how long I have been vaguely maintaining this blog that I have written a couple of birthday posts before, one when I turned twenty and one when I turned twenty-one. As I’m going to be the grand old age of 22 this Sunday, I thought I would look back on both of these posts and carry on the tradition.

When I turned 20 I cried on the street on the way home from my birthday night out. I was absolutely devastated that I wasn’t a teenager anymore. I wrote a post about how I wanted to get back into blogging and how I had sorted out my relationship with food. I now realise I’m at a place where none of those things are going to plan, but one step at a time. It was a difficult year for me but it’s over and I’m fine.

My post about 21 was written when I was feeling my absolute worst. That birthday ruined birthdays for me because I felt like I didn’t deserve to celebrate. I didn’t want anyone to give me attention or even look at me, and I felt so much guilt (thank you PTSD) that I believed that people weren’t being honest, that they were giving me gifts and attention because they felt they had to, and that deep down inside they thought I was the scum of the Earth. And that’s so fucking sad. So this year I’m trying not to make a big deal out of it either way. Birthdays come and go but a positive outlook and a calm sense of self is for life.

My 21st birthday post was all about GOALS.

These are what they were and how I did:

  1. Lose 3 stone – no, I didn’t really lose any weight, but I also didn’t put any on. I’m currently on a weight loss plan and while I’m not happy with my weight, I feel like every 1/2 lb loss is a step in the right direction.
  2. Get really good at yoga (again) – I haven’t done as much yoga as I wanted to because I never felt like I had the right time alone or space to practice in, but I want to make a conscious effort to do this more.
  3. Publish my first poetry collection – I didn’t do this because I haven’t felt so drawn to poetry this year. I don’t want to publish my already completed collection and I haven’t written enough material to think about a second one. However I DID enter myself into about half a dozen poetry competitions so that’s good enough for me.
  4. Actually take my driving test – my theory test is booked for next month so at least I’m actually getting somewhere real with this.
  5. Pay back all my debt – my first scheduled debt payment is coming out next month and I actually have enough money to pay for it so this is all good.
  6. Make my blog really good – I think apart from lack of content, my blog in general has improved in terms of aesthetic and I think I’m still maturing as a writer after all these years.
  7. Stand over a motorway on a bridge – I did stand on a motorway bridge. It was the best day of my life.

I’m not going to set any specific goals for this year, only to try every day to be a better person, do what makes me happy, make every day awesome and always trying to be one step closer to achieving my goals. I want to look back in a years time, when I’m 23, and know that things have only gotten better.

Also now I’m craving icing because of the featured image. Help me.


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