Do you ever feel like you just don’t know what you’re doing?
So far, when I’ve asked people this, everyone seems to just have no clue what they’re doing at all. Basically we’re all just blagging it.
But it frustrates me. One day I’m 100% sure what I’m doing and what I want and the next day I’ve completely changed my mind for no reason at all.
So instead of trying to decide what I do want, I’ve been trying to narrow it down by attempting to know what I definitely DON’T want.
And so I officially declined my Masters degree offer yesterday. I’d been trying to think it over and I had kept the place on hold in case I decided I wanted to do it in the end, but September is rapidly approaching and I had to make a decision. I went with my gut instinct because it’s usually always right and I seem to take this for granted a lot, because I never trust my own judgement. I feel good about this decision though. I don’t think it’s right to throw £10k at something you don’t really, really want to do. When I took the place I was feeling so lost, I just wanted a bit of structure. I don’t really need that anymore.
I also have this disgusting sense of time slipping away from me. I’m 22 this month and I feel like this is too old to really change yourself. Of course, I know that this is ridiculous and I only feel this way because it’s the oldest I’ve ever been, but next year I will be 23 which is basically mid-twenties and my mind is telling me this is Far Too Late to do anything and that I’m Past My Prime and basically just a failure. What a beautiful feeling to have.
So I’m just trying to find things that I know I want to do, or have to do, and just tackle them head on to drown out the noise of this clock ticking in the back of my mind. As long as I’m doing something that’s taking me in the right direction, then things probably can’t be all bad. If every day is another step forward rather than a step back, then I’m surely doing it right?
I don’t know, and I don’t think I ever will. But at least I’m not 23 yet.