5 ways to get your children to love you using food

Blogging is usually a strange combination of job and hobby. Jobby?

When I started this blog it was really somewhere for me just to keep track of recipes, showcase my writing to basically no-one and just give me something to do that was productive while I was at uni, that wasn’t assignments or sitting about watching Futurama and eating cinnamon swirls.

Now it’s still really that, but also something I’m quite proud of and passionate about. Since I graduated I’ve been putting a lot more effort into it, though probably still less than I should be. If I’m able to kill a spider plant baby so easily then I’m surprised I’ve been keeping this blog going for so long. I’m basically the queen of commitment issues so to have had this blog for literally years feels like a big achievement to me, even if the blog is still small.

I would like to have more followers I guess, but my mum reckons I can’t just keep pootling along being myself and expect something big to come out of it. I suppose I should take her advice because she is a pretty well known blogger but also I really don’t like the idea of being such a sell-out. (No offence to her, but she is a bit.)

We started having one of these arguments that we have where she irritates me by saying “darling, I’m just playing devils advocate” (WELL DON’T, JUST TAKE MY SIDE FOR ONCE, FFS) and the topic was those types of articles that I usually see on Pinterest that say stuff like “4 ways your parenting is really shit” and “3 reasons why your children will never love you.” You know the ones I mean.

I said that they were disgusting and were making money and clicks out of parents being bullied and tricked into believing they were parenting wrong just because some dickhead on a blog said so.

“I don’t think they’re that bad,” my mum said, “you can’t just have a moral standpoint on everything if you want to make money.”

Then maybe I don’t want to make money this way.

But in the spirit of passive aggressive clickbait articles, I’ve decided to do my own. I hope it gets me loads of views and millions of pounds.

5 WAYS TO GET YOUR CHILDREN TO LOVE YOU USING FOOD

  1. Painstakingly cut apple into equal sized chunks. Make sure all skin is removed and to measure chunks with protractor to ensure correct size. Handily use dried and neglected apple chunks to wipe away silent tears before eventually putting them in the bin.
  2. Give your child whatever food they want – they will remember forever that you said no that one time and will associate it with thinking that you have no love for them.
  3. Never, ever, ever give your child sugar. It will attack their internal organs within 24 minutes of consumption, including their heart, making them physically incapable of love. Do not let this happen.
  4. Get up exceptionally early and lay a small trail of bread and Skittles along the trail to school so that your kids will feel like Hansel and Gretel when they walk to school. Aggressively man this route from the break of dawn to stop interfering birds or other children picking up any Skittles. Hit both birds and children round the head with tennis racket if they come near breadcrumb trail.
  5. Spend the entire night hand-crafting Japanese rock garden out of carrot and houmous, complete with working water feature fountain of green tea. Practice your loving smile in the mirror until your children get home so you can look happy when they bring rock garden back in lunchbox, mashed into the corner with a Petit Filous.

P.s. Parenting is hard, let’s not make it harder than it needs to be.

P.p.s. Please send money to my PayPal account to prove my mum wrong about being a clickbait sell out. DM for details.

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1 Comment

  1. S. Anon 3rd April 2017 / 9:28 pm

    I love your blogs

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