I’ll just exist, thanks.

Before you begin reading this, I want you to know that I am on day one of my period. Not beating about the bush. I am. And that affects my general outlook on life.

This is the usual pattern of my thoughts:

*Graduates with a first degree*

Okay, but now do a masters.

But why? What will it actually add to my career prospects?

Bitch, you gotta. Do a PhD. 

 

*Has an okay amount of money*

Okay, but get more.

Why? I’ve got enough to live on for the time being, and I want to dedicate some time to being creative while I’m still relatively young.

Bitch, you gotta. You need to buy stuff. See that thing there? You need to buy it. Everyone else has. You’ll be better if you have it. Get a mortgage. 

 

*Has a comprehensive diet and exercise plan*

Okay, but eat less. Don’t eat that. Exercise more. Go to the gym more.

But why? As long as I’m healthy and happy and fit that’s all that matters, right?

Bitch, you gotta. You gotta be a size 8, otherwise no one will ever love you. You can’t be alone. Everyone will think there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re kidding yourself that being unmarried and childless is fine. No one REALLY wants that. Society knows what you really want, hun. Do what everyone else is doing.

 

I didn’t make it to the gym today.

I got a fucking milkshake after work.

I didn’t try my best.

But every single one of my thoughts is always about how I can improve. It’s like nothing is ever good enough, for some unknown reason. It irritates the hell out of me. And do you know why this is?

Because everyone on the god damn internet puts PRESSURE on each other to do more and more.

Experiment with your make-up look every bloody morning before leaving the house, smile just because you’re alive, lose 10lbs in a week, don’t even get me started on fucking “wanderlust”!!!!

WHAT IF I JUST WANT TO STAY HERE IN THIS CITY FOREVER?! Why do I need to feel bad that I haven’t physically moved around the planet enough?!

 

What tipped me over the edge today was this. I’ve screenshotted it for you.

 

YES I AM LIVING. I’M BREATHING IN AND OUT BUT THAT’S SOMEHOW NOT ENOUGH IS IT?! I need to have some kind of sense of ambition, some sense of wonder, a head full of dreams and all that bullshit at all times apparently.

 

I didn’t choose to be born, so what the fuck do I exactly owe the world? Nothing. It’s so shit. Sorry, but life is shit and hard. Yeah, sometimes you get to have a laugh or whatever, but generally, it’s hard, and exhausting, and expensive. In the end you just die. You just die. All we’re here for is to slowly destroy a planet we’ve only just really populated by making loads of selfish and stupid decisions.

So do you know what, I think sometimes I’ll just exist, thanks. And no, I don’t think I’ll ever “forget to live” because living is just so damn hard.

 

 

 

1 Comment

  1. Claire 16th January 2017 / 7:11 pm

    Yeah. Relating to all of this. And feeling woefully inadequate that I’m not planning six different trips to tropical islands this year, rocking a different eyeshadow every day of the week, and discovering new ways to cook with kale. Can I not just be content with the fact that I’m going to Cornwall in the summer and my eyeliner looks OK?

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